The man I love with all my heart smells of Axe body spray and social with drawl. We do not share long drawn out conversations, Paul and I, but I know how deeply he cares. When I walk into the room Paul's crazy eyes light up. "Pizzy! Pizzy! Pizzy?", he will ask me persistently under his breath while his hands make small circles at his sides. That is his way of asking me out for a delicious pizza dinner. I enjoy our special nights out together, but Paul shys away from my touch when I tackle him to the ground and dig the post meal cigarette butts from his mouth in the parking lot after. To hell with the staring eyes. Paul will giggle to himself all the way home.
I knew Paul was different that first night when I walked in on him drinking out of the toilet bowl. "Paul!" I admonished. "STOP IT! That's gross!" I should not judge. He whipped the porcelain toilet tank lid at my head to prove this point.
Strong aromas excite Paul. That is how I kill two birds with one stone. I will wear my my patchouli oil and Paul will lean in but from across the room and close his eyes with a happy smile and breath my sent in.
"Paul, can you say patchouli?", I ask my favorite guy. And he will turn his head away and mutter , "Stink".
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Friday, August 19, 2011
Make it Rain
She shifted uncomfortably in the chair parked precariously in the doorway and flipped the toy she was holding. It made a whirling sound like fake plastic rain. ting ting ting ting ting ting ting. It was supposed to be a comforting tool but it only upset her more. ting ting ting ting ting ting ting. She watched the brightly colored little balls as they fell down twisting their way through its clear cylinder casing. She needed to be able to see what was going on the other side. Because it was her turn to worry, her turn. Worry filled her mind more than the simulated rain. Worry showered down through the circuits in her brain. ting ting ting ting ting ting. She wanted to sigh loudly. Fuck she wanted to scream and rock in her chair. But any noise might make more worry and she was having a hard time with the anxiety she had been given. So she just watched. It was day thirteen without the Clonazepam. Two weeks at the nutward. Thirteen days cold and nothing not even an aspirin for the last three hours. ting ting ting ting ting fucking ting.
When Rachel touched her lightly on her back she startled. She had been swinging the toy clumsily like a baseball bat for practice to keep the noise out of her head and in her hands. "You don't need to be in here now, its not helping at this point", she said in her flat voice. "I do", the girl whispered hoarsely, words twisting through her vocal cords on their way out. "I promised I would be right here." "Come", is all Rachel said.
"Do you want to go to the hospital?"
"YES."
" ER Alone? Are you sure? We can find someone to take you."
If there was help it would have been here by now, and she couldn't wait any longer she knew. Bad was coming. She didn't yet trust this Rachel. She stared back at her chair with the toy in it nodding her head and she got her shit together as fast as she could. It was on her at this point, this fuck up she found herself in and she was not about to let go or share with anyone. Especially the scared assed bitches who would talk amongst themselves about protocol behind flapping hands with lowered voices.
She sat in the over air conditioned sterile room waiting for the hand x rays to developed and hoped no bones had been broken. Sometimes hands break before walls when the worry has no way out. Get the warm blankets. Stare at the fluorescent lights. Almost fall asleep f0r the first time in thirty six hours. But the worry crawls under the blankets and wraps its self up in your head and like a cold snake in your belly.
They sent her back with one new order for acetaminophen as needed. One sugar pill. On the way back to her group home the crazy shit began to fly. It started in the back of the state van, cut right across the stress thick air and hit her in the back of her fuddled head. Damn wooden relaxation balls.
The B52 wore off. What was wrong with people thinking a fricken near over the counter medicine cocktail would be enough when an anti psychotic car bomb was what you needed.
Later as she lay on the damp back yard ground facing the shaking young man she begged the officers not to cuff him. His hands hurt him she told them. His speech was slurred from the odd collection of pills she had laid out on the table from behind one of the ripped couch cushions while he was busy kicking the shit out of the rest of the house, but she got him. But not before the bad.
"I didn't do anything bad did I?"
More than anything, Eddy wants to be good.
"No Eddy. Your pulling it together."
"I'm worried. I didn't hurt you did I?"
Images of his attack and the destruction of the last hour wouldn't come back to her till the adrenaline wore off much later. After all the police and paramedics had taken him.
"Eddy, its gonna to be ok starting now. Your ok."
She wanted to hug him hard but her touch would only set him off.
"Are they taking me back to the hospital?"
"A different hospital. They will get your meds right this time."
"Will you be with me when I sleep? Is this a nightmare? You promised to protect me from them. Aaaheeee"
"No Eddy."
"I don't hear the rain."
When Rachel touched her lightly on her back she startled. She had been swinging the toy clumsily like a baseball bat for practice to keep the noise out of her head and in her hands. "You don't need to be in here now, its not helping at this point", she said in her flat voice. "I do", the girl whispered hoarsely, words twisting through her vocal cords on their way out. "I promised I would be right here." "Come", is all Rachel said.
"Do you want to go to the hospital?"
"YES."
" ER Alone? Are you sure? We can find someone to take you."
If there was help it would have been here by now, and she couldn't wait any longer she knew. Bad was coming. She didn't yet trust this Rachel. She stared back at her chair with the toy in it nodding her head and she got her shit together as fast as she could. It was on her at this point, this fuck up she found herself in and she was not about to let go or share with anyone. Especially the scared assed bitches who would talk amongst themselves about protocol behind flapping hands with lowered voices.
She sat in the over air conditioned sterile room waiting for the hand x rays to developed and hoped no bones had been broken. Sometimes hands break before walls when the worry has no way out. Get the warm blankets. Stare at the fluorescent lights. Almost fall asleep f0r the first time in thirty six hours. But the worry crawls under the blankets and wraps its self up in your head and like a cold snake in your belly.
They sent her back with one new order for acetaminophen as needed. One sugar pill. On the way back to her group home the crazy shit began to fly. It started in the back of the state van, cut right across the stress thick air and hit her in the back of her fuddled head. Damn wooden relaxation balls.
The B52 wore off. What was wrong with people thinking a fricken near over the counter medicine cocktail would be enough when an anti psychotic car bomb was what you needed.
Later as she lay on the damp back yard ground facing the shaking young man she begged the officers not to cuff him. His hands hurt him she told them. His speech was slurred from the odd collection of pills she had laid out on the table from behind one of the ripped couch cushions while he was busy kicking the shit out of the rest of the house, but she got him. But not before the bad.
"I didn't do anything bad did I?"
More than anything, Eddy wants to be good.
"No Eddy. Your pulling it together."
"I'm worried. I didn't hurt you did I?"
Images of his attack and the destruction of the last hour wouldn't come back to her till the adrenaline wore off much later. After all the police and paramedics had taken him.
"Eddy, its gonna to be ok starting now. Your ok."
She wanted to hug him hard but her touch would only set him off.
"Are they taking me back to the hospital?"
"A different hospital. They will get your meds right this time."
"Will you be with me when I sleep? Is this a nightmare? You promised to protect me from them. Aaaheeee"
"No Eddy."
"I don't hear the rain."
Labels:
autistic,
head injury,
ocd,
organic brain disorder,
sweet heart,
violent manic
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